STOCK IMAGES 

They’re called stock images, but it’s really a collection of things, people, animals, and situations in an ideal, one-dimensional world, where blood is ketchup, dirt is charcoal, sweat is water from a spray bottle, criminals are cartoony, children and puppies are always happy, and prostitutes would starve to death.

One of the most popular categories in stock images is Professions. We’ve all seen the one with men and women wearing business suits, sitting around conference tables, all looking at some kind of chart. In the version with the chart pointing upwards, people cheer and high-five each other. In the version where the chart shows a downwards trend, the same people look worried to the point of suicide; nails are bitten, chins are scratched, eyes are rubbed.

There are stock images depicting blue collar jobs, too. Classics include leathery-faced men wearing hardhats, examining blueprints while talking on satellite phones. Miners with smiles shining through black faces. Construction crews balancing on steel beams, having lunch half a mile above the metropolis.

Then there’s the gigantic Family category, subdivided into endless subcategories such as Brunch with grandpa, pancakes, and whipped cream, Memorial Day barbecue with humorous-apron-clad dad, Dad again, this time returning from war (or a business trip) just in time for Christmas, Laughing family as puppy tries to get into picnic basket.

There’s a whole section titled Quality Time, and no shortage of understanding smiles, sparkling kitchens, teetotalers in perfect lawns drinking lemonade in pastel preppy clothes, flower beds, perfect easter eggs, white picket fences. In the Trials and Tribulations category, you might find an arm or leg in a cast but hey, it’s been signed by more friends than anyone could have.

What all stock image inhabitants have in common, be it astronauts floating in space, teddy bears, or lip-smacking chefs, is the horrifying knowledge that they only exist while their page is open and exposed to the light. Once the book cover goes down, or the computer is turned off, they’ll disappear in a dark sleep. And who knows when, or if, they’ll ever wake up again?